Girls with ADHD are typically not the “squeaky wheel” that boys with ADHD can be. Their symptoms are more subtle but no less problematic.
READ Kelsey’s personal essay about the difficulty of receiving an ADHD diagnosis as a girl or woman. She interviewed me for her article.
— Read on bust.com/feminism/195453-adhd-girls-women.html
Un-teachable Moments: those times when you wish your kid didn’t just see or hear that? Ever happen to you?
How to Protect Kids from the Bad News:
There is so much disaster, confusion and tragedy in the world right now.
Exposure to a constant barrage of information about disasters and unstable political leaders flowing into our homes creates unintended consequences in terms of creating anxiety, uncertainty and stress.
It’s all happening now, in real time, on our phones, on Alexa, in our cars – virtually anywhere. And it can be frightening for small children.
Brain imprinting on developing brains:
What kind of imprint does all of this leave on children?
All young children need to feel safe and secure, in order to grow their sense of well-being and their ability to courageously navigate their world. They do not yet have sufficient defenses to protect their innocent brains and imagination against a barrage of images and events. These horrific images create a primary imprint that becomes a future frame of reference for a young child.
“I saw it and now I can’t un-see it,”
said a girl about a video she had inadvertently seen where somebody was shot and killed.
Rresearch shows that chronic stress and fear is associated with significant brain changes, and possibly shows that toxic experiences actually re-form the architecture of developing brains.
How do we protect the kids? It’s no longer 1960 when grown ups waited until the kids are asleep for the grown ups to “catch up” on the news.
It’s all around us.
How to Protect and Convey Information to Young Kids:
1. First, you can’t “un-teach” horrific images. Images become embedded in the young mind, with few defenses to protect it. Protect children from images that they aren’t equipped to handle.
2. Limit discussing current events until YOU are emotionally regulated enough to share the information with your child at their level.
Use my “SALT” method:
S: SENSITIVE: be sensitive to the environment you want to create around your child.
A: ATTUNED: become attuned to your child’s emotional state and your own emotional state when talking about issues
L: LOOK AND LISTEN: look at your child’s face carefully for reactions that they may not be able to express. Listen to their questions and reactions – answer their questions at their level.
T:TRANSLATE: translate what you want to share in bite-size, kid-appropriate sound bites. News can be gruesome and scary. They don’t need to know everything!
Also:
REASSURE: reassure your child that they are safe and you will always take care of them.
PROTECT: above all, Protect your child from images that they shouldn’t be seeing. Save your frustration and rants over with your friends instead of using your kid as an inadvertent sounding board.
Hopefully, with added vigilance, there will be less moments that you wish you could “unteach” –
With wishes for a calmer world in this new year!
A common issue that many parents ask about is when they should tell their children about their differences. There is no single answer and each family may take a 
different approach. Particularly after having their child tested, parents want to know how to talk to their child about the results. This article represents one parent’s version of how they handled this issue.
Reprinted from Kveller, October 14, 2014, written by Samantha Taylor:
When my very bright son’s grades started to plummet, we decided it was time to find out what was going on. In an attempt to help him, we subjected him to a sleep study, neurological exams, academic exams, and psychological testing. At the same time, Joey was struggling with skills for the standardized tests, so he was taking multiple practice exams and being pulled out of class to work with a reading specialist.
He was patient, and handled them all like a champ. Occasionally he’d ask about the testing. We’d give him a simple but truthful answer, and move the conversation along by talking about Minecraft.
After a few weeks, his questions started to change. Instead of asking what the tests were all about, he started to ask if there was something wrong with him, or if he was different than the other kids in his class. I noticed his self-esteem wasn’t doing so hot, and at homework time there were tears. He started to call himself stupid.
When my husband and I got the results of the testing, we were pretty surprised.His scores were off the charts high for memorization, spelling, and math. However, his scores for reading comprehension, specifically language processing, were extremely low. The team at school decided that he would benefit from 90 minutes per week of language therapy with a Speech and Language Pathologist.
On the way home in the car, it hit me. We need to tell him the results. His ego is deflated, and it shouldn’t be. He’s 9, and doesn’t need to know all of the specifics, but this kid has gifts. He needs to be reminded of that. He also needs to understand that he has a deficit, and he’s going to get help for it.
After consulting a mental health counselor (who had worked with us before) I was prepared to tell Joey all about the test results. My husband and I practiced the language we would use. This was a delicate situation; we wanted to handle it properly.
I wanted Joey to know that this conversation was special, so my parents came over to watch the other kids. My husband and I got in the car to take Joey to his favorite Italian ice place and have the talk. On the way there Joey asked if he was in trouble, what we were going to talk about, and why his brother and sister were staying at home. I didn’t want to have the conversation in the car. The way I had prepared was to talk to him face to face.
We got our desserts and sat down. The talk went something like this.
“Joey, the reason we are here is to explain all of the testing you’ve been going through. We want you to know that we got all the test results, and thought we’d share them with you. You have an amazing memory. Your math scores were at the 6th grade level. Your spelling scores were at the 9th grade level. You have an amazing brain. There’s one thing you need help with. When your brain reads something, sometimes it has a hard time understanding what you’ve read. That’s why you’ve been pulled out of class to work with the reading coach. Now you get to work with another teacher to help you get better at that skill. This is just like someone who needs glasses to help them see better. You are an amazing kid with an incredible brain, and we just wanted you to know that. Do you have any questions?”
“Nope,” he said, in between bites of cherry ice.
“Really? You don’t have anything to ask us?
“Nope, I’m good,” he said.
My husband gave me that “let it go” look. So I did. I let it go. The conversation quickly moved onto Minecraft.
That night as I was tucking Joey into bed, I just couldn’t help myself. I asked him again, “Did you have a chance to think about what we talked about this afternoon? Do you have any more questions?”
“No,” he said. “Thanks for telling me. Do I have to take anymore long tests?”
“No, Joey,” I said. “That’s all done.”
“Cool, goodnight Mom.”
Sometimes I forget that he’s on his way to becoming a young man. He’s turning 10 next month. We can no longer expect that he’s not going to be curious about anything out of the ordinary. From now on, I’ve learned to keep him in the loop from the beginning. The thought that he assumed he was dumber than the rest of his class because of the excessive testing breaks my heart.
There comes a time when you realize your kids aren’t babies anymore. I’m going to start talking to him like the little man that he is slowly becoming before my eyes. With parenting there’s always room for improvement, and there’s always room for Italian ice.
By Yelena Shuster
Ever felt like you just can’t unwind after a demanding week? That’s because stress triggers your body’s fight or flight response: your adrenaline starts pumping, your heart beats faster, and your blood pressure rises, explains Ash Nadkarni, M.D., an associate psychiatrist at Brigham & Women’s Hospital. “Long-term overexposure to stress hormones can cause increased risk of health problems such as anxiety, depression, heart disease, weight gain, and memory and concentration problems,” Dr. Nadkarni adds.
That’s not exactly a relaxing thought. So what should you do when calming classics like downward-facing dog and chamomile tea don’t work? Check out these alternative ways to de-stress recommended by experts and recent studies.
Wake up early.
It may feel counterintuitive to deprive yourself of sleep, but giving yourself an extra 15 to 20 minutes before you head out the door will leave you feeling more refreshed — and less frazzled. “Take time in the morning to center yourself,” says San Francisco-based psychologist Leslie Carr, Psy.D. “A lot of people shoot out into their days like a rocket ship and it never gets better from there.”
Consider that caffeine takes 20 minutes to be metabolized for you to feel its effect. During that time, think about your goals for the day or read something inspirational. You might find that your normally crazy day goes a little smoother.
Create a soothing space.
Research suggests that warm colors like red excite you and cooler, muted colors like blue, green, or grey relax you, says Molly Roberts, M.D., president of the American Holistic Medical Association — but surrounding yourself in any color you find soothing can help bring on calm. “The theory behind the use of color therapy is that colors enter the eyes, which then send messages along the nerve pathways to the area of the brain that regulates emotion,” Roberts says. “There are a lot of ways to surround yourself with colors that can ease stress throughout the day.” Her suggestions: at home, paint an accent wall; and at the office, drape a soothing-colored scarf over the back of your chair and change your computer screensaver.
Clean out your junk drawers.
When you’re feeling emotionally drained, chances are whipping out your Swiffer is the last thing you want to do. But the truth is, tidying up your home can also tidy up your mind. “Having a mindset of de-cluttering helps to manage stress,” says Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., a psychologist at Bryn Mawr Hospital in Pennsylvania. “Purging unused items gives a sense of order to your physical environment, which helps you feel calmer about your stressors.” She suggests starting with a small project, like your kitchen junk drawer. “Tangible or visible organization leads to emotional organization,” Napolitano says. If you’re ready to take it up a notch, schedule monthly donation pickups with Goodwill to keep yourself in the de-cluttering habit.
Visualize your stressful thoughts.
Your coworker just threw you under the bus. Your husband forgot to walk the dog. When it’s that kind of day, try thought diffusion, “a sort of visual mindfulness meditation, a way to sweep out whatever is buzzing around unhelpfully in your head,” says Erin Olivo, Ph.D., an assistant professor of medical psychology at Columbia University and author of Wise Mind Living: Master Your Emotions, Transform Your Life.
Here’s how it works: Imagine your thoughts are like clouds in the sky, and let them drift by above you. “When you begin to observe your thoughts as mental objects that simply come and go, they become less unpleasant, less threatening and less emotionally powerful,” Olivo says.
Watch cat videos.
There’s a reason Buzzfeed links are popping up all over your newsfeed. There’s nothing that will relieve some tension like watching a baby masterfully dancing to Beyonce or a cat riding a Roomba in a shark costume.
“After a stressful day, looking at these funny things actually activates the part of the brain that delivers tranquility and a calm physiological response,” says Rose Hanna, a relationship counselor and professor of psychology and women’s studies at California State University Long Beach. “This decreases anxiety and helps tremendously with reducing stress.”
Sing your heart out.
The next time you’re feeling strung out, start belting it out. As sound reverberates through the body, your mind relaxes, whether singing in a chorus or meditatively chanting om, says Rita Eichenstein, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Towers in Los Angeles.
Singing has even been found to reduce levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) in the body, and one case study revealed that singing prior to surgery reduced blood pressure (more research is needed). Not ready to unleash your inner Rihanna? Start by singing in the shower. “Singing tunes you love brings up positive memories and takes your mind off the stressors,” Eichenstein says.
Start a scrapbook.
We’ll admit it: stickers and colored construction paper seem so kindergarten. But getting in touch with your crafty side has mental health benefits. Think of it as your adult playtime. “Scrapbooking helps you focus, which diverts you away from stressful and difficult emotions, and also helps you feel connected to the people you’re scrapbooking about,” says Nina Savelle-Rocklin, Psy.D., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist. And no, Pinterest boards don’t count. “There’s something about the tactile element of scrapbooking — cutting, pasting, positioning — that is probably more relaxing that posting online,” Savelle-Rocklin adds.
Pick up a physical hobby.
If scrapbooking isn’t your thing, try to find another activity to occupy your time. “What stress does to someone’s mind is flood it with thoughts,” explains Nadkami. “All of these thoughts knock about your head and they make you feel overwhelmed.” Sound familiar? The best way to stop the stress spiral is by refocusing your mind on one thought: Gardening focuses you on the physical feeling of the soil that you can hold in your hands. Knitting concentrates your thoughts on the predictability of loops of yarn. “The important thing is that you channel your energy into one thing and this, in turn, relaxes your mind by eliminating all of the distracting stresses,” says Nadkarni.
Clench your muscles (then release).
This technique was developed in the 1930’s and has been recommended ever since. “The idea behind progressive muscle relaxation is to first create muscle tension, then relaxation, to provide physical relief. A relaxed body often leads to a relaxed mind,” says Savelle-Rocklin.
Start by getting into a comfortable position, like lying down in loose clothing. Tense and relax each muscle group for five seconds at a time, starting with your forehead, then moving down to your eyes, lips, hands, forearms, shoulders, back, stomach, hips, thighs, feet and, finally, your toes. If any muscle remains tense after the sequence, tighten and relax it three or four times. Massage, shmassage.
Take deep breaths.
No matter if you’re checking out in the supermarket or waiting to pick up your kids from school, take one minute to breathe deeply through your nose into your abdomen, says Roswell, Georgia-based physical therapist Samuel A. Mielcarski. He advises resting your hands over your lower ribcage or abdomen to help cue deeper breathing. “Breathing fully and deeply into the abdomen brings about a sense of calm because more oxygen is getting delivered to the body’s cells, which helps the body to relax,” explains Olivo. “This type of breathing also helps to increase what is known as the ‘relaxation response,’ which is connected to the parasympathetic nervous system involved with calming the body.”
Write mental thank you notes.
Change the course of your stressful thoughts with a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, suggests marriage and family therapist Alisa Ruby Bash, who practices in Beverly Hills, California. “Before stress gets worse, it’s so important to learn to harness your thoughts,” she says. “For example, when you notice the tension in your body, picture a big red stop sign. Immediately switch your thinking to start mentally focusing on all the things you are grateful for. Look around you to include anything you find beautiful or pleasant in your present moment.” Store a gratitude list on your smartphone so you can reference it any time things get hectic.
Feel your pressure points.
You’re stuck in traffic and feeling like you’re going to explode. Time to try pressure point therapy, a form of acupuncture you can practice on your own. “Pressure to certain points on the body can help to release muscular tension and promote blood circulation,” says Mielcarski. It’s easiest to start with the Third Eye Point, the space between your eyebrows where the bridge of your nose meets your forehead. Place your middle and index finger on it and hold the position for one to two minutes using gentle to firm pressure.
Smell the roses.
Research is mixed on scent therapy, but anyone who’s sniffed a bouquet of roses or breathed in the smell of the ocean knows that certain scents can be soothing. Brooklyn-based therapist and social worker La Shawn M. Paul recommends adding a few drops of your favorite scent to coconut oil after a relaxing bath so that the scent can linger longer. “It is believed that once inhaled, the scents alter the mood by stimulating various parts of the brain associated with emotion,” Paul says. Or try a scent that reminds you of nature, suggests Napolitano. “Smells like salt water or fresh rain are especially calming because they help you to think of life outside of your current stressor.”
The In-Betweeners: When There’s No Diagnosis for Your Child
What happens when your child is struggling but doesn’t have a diagnosis? It’s so much easier for parents to explain their child to a school, doctor or coach when there’s a label to go with the behavior: “She’s ADHD, please cut her some slack,” or, “He’s on the autism spectrum, please help him make friends.”
But what about the child who doesn’t make the cut?
Take Carly, a cute 8 year old redhead with a gap in her front teeth and a perpetual grin. Her mother brings her in to be tested because she just is having a hard time in second grade, but a full evaluation reveals that she does not meet the criteria for any disorder. She doesn’t have ADHD or organization problems, and she is not lagging academically. But one thing stands out: Carly is annoying. She talks a lot, laughs too loudly and is bossy. She’s driving her classmates, teachers, parents, and everyone else crazy.
And then there is Max. Max has an IQ of 82, in the “low average” range. He is slower than most of his classmates, and is also very immature. His peers are starting to outpace him socially. By age 10, Max is an outcast. He does not meet the criteria for intellectually challenged and he has managed to learn his academic skills with a lot of tutoring, so he is not eligible for any services. Max is not different enough.
And Maria. Maria is a 6 year old firecracker. She has tons of energy, is difficult to engage, and is only happy when she’s moving. An exceptionally intense child, Maria is a voracious learner but falls apart when she doesn’t get her way. Intense? Active? Emotional? Absolutely. Diagnosis? None.
Carly, Max, and Maria are what I call in-betweeners —kids with challenging symptoms that don’t meet criteria for a specific diagnosis. Annoying to be around or slower to learn or intense and active, these are types of kids who are challenging to raise and even harder to teach, but don’t meet diagnostic criteria, so they don’t get a label.
Some experts call this phenomenon ‘shadow syndrome’ as in, a mild form of a specific diagnosis but not quite….. But I prefer to see these children as “the in-betweeners” because it’s a positive term, unlike the slightly diabolical sounding “shadow syndrome.” In-betweeners are kids who don’t quite fit in. Their parents have a special set of needs, too.
Why is no label sometimes harder than a diagnosis?
When a child is atypical but does not meet a diagnosis, the parents can feel isolated and at a loss. You know your child is different, and you’re relieved that there is nothing more serious going on, yet it would be so much easier to deal with the difference if there was a label attached. Why?
Labels lead to services. When your child is diagnosed with a specific disorder, there is usually a designated list of services they are entitled to, either through the school district, regional center or through private pay system.
Labels lead to awareness. For example, when your child is on the Autism spectrum, you can educate yourself about the disorder. There are websites, books, support groups, and specialists at your disposal. Having a diagnosis can also help a denying parent be more accepting about his or her child.
Labels lead to understanding from others. Most people now know that having a diagnosis such as dyslexia, ADHD, autism or processing disorders doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with your family. These are neurodevelopmental disorders a child is born with.
In-betweeners and their parents don’t have these advantages. Instead, they are subjected to head- shaking and judgment from others who think, “What is up with that kid!” or “These children are just not being parented right.” As if parents needed more stress!
And with no diagnosis, parents tend to blame each other or themselves for their children’s problems. “What the heck is wrong with this kid? Can’t you discipline him better? We threw out all this money on testing and they didn’t find anything! It must be our fault—probably yours.”
Help for in-betweeners and their parents
Please be patient with me—God hasn’t finished making me yet.
Remember that saying? It’s a good mantra for your in-betweener, who may outgrow his or her difference. With early intervention, a child can outgrow a diagnosis but retain some aspect of the condition. For example, a child with early sensory integration disorder may continue to refrain from walking barefoot in sand and flinch at hugs, but otherwise be able to socialize with few problems. A child with an early speech disorder may develop into an excellent speaker but still struggle with spelling (there is a strong link between expressive language and learning to read and spell). The same is true for in-betweeners—with help, they often can overcome many of their challenges.
On the other hand, some kids grow into diagnoses as they develop. A child who just seems to be working a little too hard on mastering letter sounds can certainly develop a reading delay by later elementary school. A child who is just a bit eccentric can look more than a little different by a later age.
In the meantime, there are steps parents can take and advice they can tap. Determine the diagnosis that most closely resembles your child’s behavior, and use those resources. Diagnoses are not exact anyway—there is no blood test that correctly diagnoses psychological issues. So based on your own observations, find out what help is available.
Is your child super-energetic? Can’t seem to stop?
Check out ADHD, hyperactive impulsive type. Your child may not meet criteria but the same tactics may help change his or her behavior. Make sure your child is getting a high protein, low carb/low sugar diet. Eliminate junk food and artificial coloring. http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-diets This child also needs a strong cardiovascular workout daily. Limit screen time and increase active play. Mindfulness techniques or yoga can also be helpful. Join the fun and learn new techniques and diet along with your child.
Learning problems but not learning delayed?
Help your child stay on top of his or her academics with enough support. There is no substitute for early intervention; find an educational therapist from the national Association of Educational Therapists www.aetonline.org and you can prevent a small problem from becoming an overwhelming problem later one. Sometimes a retired school teacher or a tutor in your neighborhood can be helpful.
Socially annoying but not on the autism spectrum?
Your child will still benefit from social skills training and social stories. Social skills training is available in many areas through the school system or privately through therapists or speech therapists. Social stories is a technique originally developed by Carol Grey http://www.thegraycenter.org/social-stories to teach social cues and to better learn nuances of social communication. Some children will benefit from speech therapy if their pragmatic language seems off, even if there is so specific language disability.
And, so many parents can benefit from the counsel of a therapist, support group or taking their child for a few sessions of family therapy. Don’t forget to help yourself through the process of raising an atypical child.
There are lots of different types of “in-betweeners”. Is your child an in-betweener? Please write in and share your story.
Positively Atypical! by Dr Rita Eichenstein 