Learn How to Play with Your Child: Support for Surviving Winter Break

Autism Spectrum, Child's Diagnosis, Learning Disabilities in Children, Making Time for Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Atypical Kids, Parenting Kids with Special Needs, play with children, special needs, Support for Parents of Children with Special Needs,
Keep play simple!
Keep play simple!

Everyone deserves a break from their daily routine. That includes both parents as well as children.  For atypical kids, it’s especially refreshing to be released – if only for a few weeks – from the regimen of school, tutors, therapies and commitments.  It is also a time for parents to refresh their relationship with their children.  Too often, parents end up feeling like drill sergeants, marching their kids from one activity to the next, day after day of the unforgiving lineup of  daily activities.  Winter break is a time to replenish your bond with your child, to change hats from drill sergeant to an attuned parent who can actually engage, have fun  and  creating lasting memories.

“I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH THIS CHILD”

How to play with your child  can be tricky. How does a parent suddenly switch hats, and rebound from their own sense of burnout in order to have a few great weeks of bonding time?  The simple release from daily activities is insufficient, in fact, some  kids can feel rudderless without their daily routine and don’t know what to do with themselves.  Parents, too, have often lost the art of play as they have slid into adulthood with its myriad of responsibilities, deadlines and managing little one’s temper tantrums.  Atypical kids are notorious for having difficulty with ‘typical’ fun activities, either from sensory overload, a preference for their own comfort zone or fear of the unknown.  If you are a parent of an atypical child, you know all too well the disappointment from previous attempts as ‘having fun’.

DON’T FAKE IT 

Here is an article in the Christian Science Monitor in which I and other professionals and parents discuss the options available to rediscover your sense of play.  In short, you can’t fake it.  Your child knows you well enough to know if you feel awkward playing catch or find a video game monotonous.  Finding an activity that both you and your child mutually enjoy together can become a cherished memory. It doesn’t have to be Disneyland or a trip around the world to click.  Sometimes, a mindful walk through the park picking leaves can be bonding, nourishing and…. fun!

KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT SIMPLE, AND GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER PLAYFULNESS

Read on for more tips on learning how to play with your child and how to keep it fun and simple:

http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/2013/1216/Parents-and-play-re-learning-to-play-with-your-kids

Merry . . .Happy . . .Help! Taking the “Gimme” Out of the Holidays

Support for Parents of Children with Special Needs

14585776_sIt’s that time of year again, when your conscience, your wallet, and your child’s wishful face keep you awake at night.  Which is going to win? Let’s look at each of these forces and try to make it a win-win-win holiday season.

Your Conscience: Don’t Let It Be Your Guide to the Holidays

When parents of atypical children watch their kids struggle, the desire to make them happy is especially intense. You long to see your child’s face light up as she unwraps a pile of beautiful gifts. In the middle of the night you may fantasize, I want to make this the best Christmas ever for little Kara—she’s had such a difficult year.  I want to buy her the biggest, the best, the most . . . The goal is noble, but the result is not always ideal. All children need boundaries, and atypical kids need them more than average children do.  So ask yourself, how much of your urge to give has to do with you feeling happy—that is, with easing your own conscience?

Some parents (subconsciously) think they are to blame for their child’s special needs—it’s their parenting style (not true) or their “bad genes”  (no one is at fault for genetics). They may feel guilty or badly for their child, so they try to make it up to the child with extravagant  gifts. Other parents feel helpless in the face of their children’s problems. Giving presents will momentarily make things better, so they overindulge.  Don’t do it.  Your child’s disability is not your fault. And your child does not automatically deserve more generous gifts than a typical child as compensation for his or her condition.

Your Wallet: Make a Gift Budget and Stick to It

Nothing causes a parent to lose sight of all reason more than an unhappy little face gazing longingly at an ad for this season’s bright plastic piece of junk. (You know it’s junk, but the kid is dying for it!)  Remember,  your child will probably toss the piece of junk aside within days of unwrapping it. To control your impulse to grant all your your kid’s wishes, decide on a holiday budget before you start shopping. And in addition to asking your child what he or she wants, think about what the child would enjoy. Trust your instincts and surprise your kid with some off-the-list, budget-friendly gifts.

Your Child: Don’t Buy Into the Urgent Pleas

Many children who are atypical tend to think in black and white. For that reason, their pleas for specific items may come across as much more urgent than the requests of a less impacted child. The atypical child’s sense of urgency is not true urgency; it is a lack of self regulation and is frequently tied to ADD and ADHD as well as autism spectrum children.  These kids have difficulty with self-monitoring, planning, and delayed gratification.   It’s important not to mistake such struggles for true needs.  Many parents give in to the intense lobbying, which only reinforces that behavior.  Then the child later may spend a lot of time in therapy unlearning the bad habits the parents have unwittingly encouraged. Keep this in mind as we go through a list of strategies for planning a happy holiday season.

4 Ways to Put the “Happy” Back in the Holidays

1. Make a gift list early in the season. Post a blank sheet of paper on your fridge and encourage your child to start thinking about what he or she wants for the holiday. Have the child write it down on the list, cut a photo out of a magazine and tape it on, or draw a picture of the desired item.  This will encourage planning and can generate a discussion well in advance of the holiday about what is and is not reasonable.

2. Set rules for gifts before you buy them. You know what your child wants, but think it through. Will it need to come with rules? If so, the rules should be stated before you buy or promise to buy the gift.  For example, an iPhone must be open access, with parents able to check it at any time. Xbox gaming needs to be limited to specific times, or the child will lose the Xbox.  Don’t be afraid to “spoil” a gift with limits, just discuss them in advance so you don’t ruin the moment of gift-opening with rules.

3. Volunteer with your child. There are dozens of opportunities to do this during the holidays. Whether it is though a place of worship, a food bank,  or  a shelter, assisting people who have less than you do is an excellent way to build character and perspective.

4. Talk about the holiday spirit, not just the gifts. This season is a good time to teach your child about empathy, gratitude and a spirit of giving. During the fall, initiate  conversations about holiday activities you enjoy and  things you remember doing with your family when you were young. Help your child realize that it’s not all about receiving gifts.  Teach him how to plan for others.  What would his sister enjoy? What would be a nice gift for Grandma and Grandpa?  Go to a craft store to create a ceramic gift, or help your child write a poem with a picture as examples of inexpensive yet valuable presents.

The holidays are full of exciting things to do with children. There are special events, decorations, friends to visit, cookies to bake, community activities, Chanukah tunes or Christmas carols to sing. Sharing this time with your child is one of the best perks of being a parent!   Gifts are just one part of it—if you take the focus off them, your child will too.

Having “The Talk” With Your Child: It’s Not The One You Think

Autism Spectrum, Child's Diagnosis, Dealing with Teachers and Schools, Learning Disabilities in Children, Parenting, Parenting Atypical Kids, Parenting Kids with Special Needs, self advocacy for learning disabilities, Support for Parents of Children with Special Needs

22338339_sFor many families, talking to your child about the birds and the bees is not the hardest conversation you will have.  For parents of atypical kids, the hard conversation will be the one that answers the question: “What is wrong with me?” “Why am I so stupid?” “Why don’t I have any friends?” or “Why am I so different?”

How do we help our children understand their issues and teach them to advocate for themselves? When and how do we start the process and when can we begin to expect more self reliance? This is a cluster of questions that I wish more parents asked.

Over the years, children have come to my office exhibiting a wide range of coping skills. The range of understanding their own strengths and struggles is wide and is not necessarily connected with their cognitive abilities or emotional intelligence.  I’ve listened to remarkably eloquent 10-year-olds speak about their dyslexia and how difficult it is for them to read. And I have witnessed hyperactive and restless teens who have no real insight into how they tick. It’s not that they are not interested in learning about themselves.  They have never had “the talk” with their parents or a therapist:  they still have no clue as to what their diagnosis really means and are often still dependent on others to help them pave their way without having a real understanding of who they are and why they need the help that they are receiving.

Sooner or later, though, all children will have to go out into the world and fend for themselves.  Kids of all ages are more confident when they have a good understanding of their own needs and have done the hard work to learn to accept their differences.

Demystifying a child’s condition—that is, telling children what their issues are and helping them come to grips with it—is an important and often overlooked part of parenting an atypical child. It can be difficult to approach this subject; layers of defensiveness and avoidance build up over years of struggling so that many children can be unapproachable.   Just as some parents have difficulty accepting that their child is different, it is even harder to help a child come to terms with his or her difference.  Kids do not want to be different.  And yet, almost all children with a difference, be it a learning disability, ADHD or autism spectrum, among other issues, understand or sense that they are uniquely challenged.  Having “the talk” can help your child get to the next level.

Sometimes, though we hold back from talking to them about it, hoping they will ‘straighten out’ or become more ‘typical’ so we won’t have to have the conversation. But if your child is going from therapy to therapy on a weekly basis, he deserves the benefit of a good solid talk to explain what is going on in his brain and what are some techniques to help him.

In reality, for many families, “The Talk” happens in stages, as the child grows and is more able to understand the information and adapt him- or herself to the demands of the larger world.

What Does Your Child Need to Know?

Here are the steps that kids need to go through in order to become fully active in their own care:

  • Stage 1 – Awareness:

Knowing and accepting that everyone learns differently and has different needs.  No one has it all.  Learning that each person has unique needs and everyone needs help in becoming the best person they can be. Talking to your child about different talents and pointing out the ways that they are uniquely talented (as opposed to a sibling or neighbor who excels in another area) is a good way to make the concept resonate.

  • Stage 2 – Getting information:

Finding the name for what they have and learning about it (if a name exists).  This is an important step as learning what Dyslexia or ADHD or Autism Spectrum are can elicit different reactions in children.  Some children may feel relieved that there is a name for what they have. Other children may be frightened or annoyed and scared that there is something ‘wrong’ with their brain.  Finding the best way to deliver the information is important.  Some parents can read their child a book, for others, a trip to an informed therapist can help pave the road.  Many parents are more comfortable in reading the child a book that help describes a child that struggles in similar ways.  Children take comfort in hearing that they are not the only ones with this type of difference.

  • Stage 3 – Monitoring:

Learning the best interventions, accommodations, and what works best for them.  For many children, this is where a solid neuropsychological assessment can make the difference.  A good assessment should have a list of optimal interventions, discussions about a child’s learning style and a roadmap of accommodations that will work best for your child.  In older children, it is advised that the child be part of the debriefing plan, to learn more about themselves from a professional who has just tested them.

  • Stage 4 – Self Advocacy:

Knowing how to talk about it with others becomes important as a child grows up.  This is a critical transitional step that helps a child move from dependence to self reliance.  This should begin to happen in high school, if not sooner.  Children may need to practice how to speak to teachers, coaches or other adults about their particular conditions.  For sure by the time teens are preparing for college, this information should be clear, crisp and effective.  I often coach my older teens in scripts to use when speaking to high school teachers or college professors.  Don’t hesitate to use a script and to role model how to discuss their differences with others.

These stages may not happen in a neat, orderly sequence. In fact, a child may take until his 20’s to get all the way through all four stages. Ideally, we’d like our kids to have all four stages in their toolkit as they navigate through life.

Nancy Bly, former Dean of Students at Park Century School in Culver City, CA, http://www.parkcenturyschool.org/  said, in an interview, “the best time to discuss a child’s disabilities and how they learn is as soon as they perceive a problem and it is identified. The most important thing is that kids get enough information and awareness about their own learning style and learning needs to be able to advocate for themselves. Even the youngest child needs to feel comfortable in asking for help, the first step in self advocacy.”

Even if your child isn’t lucky enough to be in a special needs school that builds their self advocacy skills, having “the talk” with them on an ongoing basis in a supportive manner will go a long way to build a self reliant and confident young adult.

How to Raise a 25 Year Old

Support for Parents of Children with Special Needs

22909299_s
It might be a strange idea to suggest that parents are ultimately involved in raising a 25 year old. There is so much work to do when you are raising a child who is atypical! No matter what your child’s diagnosis (or non-diagnosis), it often comes as relief to parents when they are reminded that while, yes, there is a lot of work to do, the ultimate goal is not to have a perfect 8 year old. Or 16 year old. The ultimate goal is for your child to be a grown up person. Our amazingly responsive and resilient brains continue to develop and to respond to interventions, both external and internal, throughout their development. The frontal lobe, the seat of our executive functions, that regulate, organize and problem solve, continues to develop through age 25 and beyond. In the interim, parents often feel that they have to be their child’s extra brain. And it’s true, at least partially. Parenting an atypical child takes longer than typicals because many kids are slower to grow into their own brains. This is not a bad thing but can try your patience at times.

OUR BABIES DO GROW UP…..SLOWLY
It’s so easy to lose sight of the fact that the goal of having a baby is not to ‘baby your baby’ but to raise a healthy adult who can function with ease in the larger community. When you think about it that way, it can help you shift your worried perspective from the immediate concerns of your unhappy nine-year-old to the ultimate goal of a raising a well-adjusted, resilient 25-year-old. The smile of an infant will melt your heart, but as children grow, their short-term happiness is not necessarily a good barometer of mental health or future success.
Think about what makes a five-year-old happy: a bag of M&Ms or a trip to Disneyland. Eight-year-olds delight in watching endless TV; teenagers love marathon Xbox sessions. There’s nothing wrong with down time, but it doesn’t do a whole lot to move children toward that ultimate goal. What does move them? While we cannot predict which colleges or careers will be most important when your child is 25, we can identify the character traits found in adults who are capable, healthy, and reasonably content.

8 SKILLS YOUR YOUNG ADULT WILL NEED:

1. Your child will need superior self-regulation. He will need to be capable of modulating his own emotions and working for the good of the whole rather than putting his own immediate gratification first. Superior regulation begins with small steps that slowly builds upon itself. Both your interventions along with your child’s brain development will continue to work in tandem with each other to develop these all important skills. Do not despair but also do not stop trying to help build these skills. Keep searching for the optimal intervention strategies, there are many options and will be discussed in later blog posts.

2. Your child will need to cultivate empathy and attunement. She will need to appreciate the feelings of those around her and genuinely care about them. Empathy does not necessarily come naturally to each person. Helping a child build empathy as they develop could include having pets, helping other children and modeling empathic caring behaviors. This will develop but for some, it takes more work than for others. Keep trying, it builds slowly. You may be interested in finding out more about social thinking or social skills groups.

3. Your child will need to know how to work hard. He will need to realize that the best rewards often come through hard work, focusing on a problem, and figuring out how to solve it. Doing your child’s homework for him or – having the hired tutor do his homework – does not help him learn these skills. Children who are atypical need to work even harder than the typicals to achieve those typical benchmarks. This does not mean to let them struggle. Be sure to give your child every opportunity for academic support but also don’t forget to have them do a few chores around the house, or teach them a non-academic skill such as woodworking, mowing the lawn or how to repair household objects. It’s easy to forget that atypical children, like typicals, need to learn to make their beds or throw out the garbage. A very bright dyslexic child explained to me, “I’m glad for my dyslexia because it makes me work hard. Other kids may not be used to working hard so they get more stumped when a hard task is put in front of them. But I am used to working hard and feel better off for it.”

4. Your child will need to know how to prioritize. She will need to understand that immediate needs are not always the most urgent needs; sometimes long-range goals are more important. Help your child learn to prioritize. Problem solve aloud and work together to find the best way for her to plan her goals. So many young adults have not yet learned how to prioritize and make goals. This can be taught to most children. Start with the daily planning calendar on the fridge. You can also model aloud how you prioritize your tasks, children learn what they observe.

5. Your child will need to know that he cannot always be the boss. Sometimes—perhaps most of the time—he will have to take orders from others, even if he does not agree with them. Teach your child from a very young age that he or she is not the boss of their universe. Offer them times to be the boss but definitely point out times where they cant be the boss.

6. Your child will need to know how to eat a healthy diet. She will need to recognize that only eating food she loves is unhealthy. She will need to accept that a balanced diet may include foods that aren’t initially appetizing. Start young and this will not be as problematic. Clean up your own diet and your pantry. Children do not need to be exposed to garbage food, and early exposure sets up lifelong habits.

7. Your child will need to know how to ask for help. Better yet, he’ll need to know how to ask for help before a full-blown crisis. Build strong lines of communication from a very early age. Be attuned to your child’s needs and help them verbalize what they are needing or feeling. Knowing when and how to ask for help is not a sign of dependence, it can be a sign of maturity and wisdom.

8. Your child will need to know how to give love as well as receive it. There is no replacement for love. Hug and nurture your child daily. While this sounds trite, it’s easy to forget that your child doesn’t automatically know how much he or she is loved and valued. Encourage your child to do acts of loving kindness in your family for giving love is as important as receiving love.

You know all this already, of course—that’s why you feel guilty when you watch your kid munching through a family-size bag of Cheetos while watching back-to-back sitcom reruns. The inner voice that says, “This is bad for her!” is at war with the voice that says, “But it makes her happy!” If you can shift your focus from the immediate happiness of your child to long-range goals, it’s easier to tolerate the growing pains (and howls of dissent) that come with teaching the eight life skills listed here. Children learn them slowly, but with your help, they do learn them. With your support, they will grow to become amazing 25 year olds. Keep up the good work!

Parents: Is Your Child an In-Betweener?

Support for Parents of Children with Special Needs, , , , , , , , , ,

The In-Betweeners: When There’s No Diagnosis for Your Child13110733_s

What happens when your child is struggling but doesn’t have a diagnosis? It’s so much easier for parents to explain their child to a school, doctor or coach when there’s a label to go with the behavior: “She’s ADHD, please cut her some slack,”  or, “He’s on the autism spectrum, please help him make friends.”

But what about the child who doesn’t make the cut?

Take Carly,  a cute 8 year old redhead with a gap in her front teeth and a perpetual grin. Her mother brings her in to be tested because she just is having a hard time in second grade, but a full evaluation reveals that she does not meet the criteria for any disorder.  She doesn’t have ADHD or organization problems, and she is not lagging academically.  But one thing stands out: Carly is annoying. She talks a lot, laughs too loudly and is bossy.  She’s driving her classmates, teachers, parents, and everyone else crazy.

And then there is Max. Max has an IQ of 82, in the “low average” range. He is slower than most of his classmates, and is also very immature. His peers are starting to outpace him socially.  By age 10, Max is an outcast. He does not meet the criteria for intellectually challenged and he has managed to learn his academic skills with a lot of tutoring, so he is not eligible for any services.  Max is not different enough.

And Maria. Maria is a 6 year old firecracker.  She has tons of energy, is difficult to engage, and is only happy when she’s moving. An exceptionally intense child, Maria is a voracious learner but falls apart when she doesn’t get her way.  Intense? Active? Emotional? Absolutely.  Diagnosis? None.

Carly, Max, and Maria are what I call in-betweeners —kids with challenging symptoms that don’t meet criteria for a specific diagnosis.  Annoying to be around or slower to learn or intense and active, these are types of kids who are challenging to raise and even harder to teach, but don’t meet diagnostic criteria, so they don’t get a label.

Some experts call this phenomenon ‘shadow syndrome’ as in, a mild form of a specific diagnosis but not quite…..  But I prefer to see these children as “the in-betweeners” because it’s a positive term, unlike the slightly diabolical sounding “shadow syndrome.”  In-betweeners are kids who don’t quite fit in.  Their parents have a special set of needs, too.

Why is no label sometimes harder than a diagnosis?

When a child is atypical but does not meet a diagnosis, the parents can feel isolated and at a loss. You know your child is different, and you’re relieved that there is nothing more serious going on, yet it would be so much easier to deal with the difference if there was a label attached. Why?

Labels lead to services.  When your child is diagnosed with a specific disorder, there is usually a designated list of services they are entitled to, either through the school district, regional center or through private pay system.

Labels lead to awareness.  For example, when your child is on the Autism spectrum, you can educate yourself about the disorder.  There are websites, books, support groups, and specialists at your disposal. Having a diagnosis can also help a denying parent be more accepting about his or her child.

Labels lead to understanding from others. Most people now know that having a diagnosis such as dyslexia, ADHD, autism or processing disorders doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with your family.  These are neurodevelopmental disorders a child is born with.

In-betweeners and their parents don’t have these advantages.  Instead, they are subjected to head- shaking and judgment from others who think, “What is up with that kid!” or “These children are just not being parented right.”  As if parents needed more stress!

And with no diagnosis, parents tend to blame each other or themselves for their children’s problems. “What the heck is wrong with this kid? Can’t you discipline him better? We threw out all this money on testing and they didn’t find anything! It must be our fault—probably yours.”

Help for in-betweeners and their parents

Please be patient with me—God hasn’t finished making me yet.

Remember that saying?  It’s a good mantra for your in-betweener, who may outgrow his or her difference. With early intervention, a child can outgrow a diagnosis but retain some aspect of the condition. For example, a child with early sensory integration disorder may continue to refrain from walking barefoot in sand and flinch at hugs, but otherwise be able to socialize with few problems.  A child with an early speech disorder may develop into an excellent speaker but still struggle with spelling (there is a strong link between expressive language and learning to read and spell).  The same is true for in-betweeners—with help, they often can overcome many of their challenges.

On the other hand, some kids grow into diagnoses as they develop.  A child who just seems to be working a little too hard on mastering letter sounds can certainly develop a reading delay by later elementary school.  A child who is just a bit eccentric can look more than a little different by a later age.

In the meantime, there are steps parents can take and advice they can tap.  Determine the diagnosis that most closely resembles your child’s behavior, and use those resources.  Diagnoses are not exact anyway—there is no blood test that correctly diagnoses psychological issues. So based on your own observations, find out what help is available.

Is your child super-energetic? Can’t seem to stop?

Check out ADHD, hyperactive impulsive type. Your child may not meet criteria but the same tactics may help change his or her behavior.  Make sure your child is getting a high protein, low carb/low sugar diet.  Eliminate junk food and artificial coloring. http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-diets  This child also needs a strong cardiovascular workout daily.  Limit screen time and increase active play. Mindfulness techniques or yoga can also be helpful. Join the fun and learn new techniques and diet along with your child.

Learning problems but not learning delayed?

Help your child stay on top of his or her academics with enough support. There is no substitute for early intervention; find an educational therapist from the national Association of Educational Therapists  www.aetonline.org  and you can prevent a small problem from becoming an overwhelming problem later one.  Sometimes a retired school teacher or a tutor in your neighborhood can be helpful.

Socially annoying but not on the autism spectrum?

Your child will still benefit from social skills training and social stories.  Social skills training is available in many areas through the school system or privately through therapists or speech therapists.  Social stories is a technique originally developed by Carol Grey  http://www.thegraycenter.org/social-stories  to teach social cues and to better learn nuances of social communication.  Some children will benefit from speech therapy if their pragmatic language seems off, even if there is so specific language disability.

And, so many parents can benefit from the counsel of a  therapist, support group or taking their child for a few sessions of family therapy.  Don’t forget to help yourself through the process of raising an atypical child.

There are lots of different types of “in-betweeners”.   Is your child an in-betweener? Please write in and share your story.